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FEBRUARY // MARCH 2019 • IDAHO SENIOR INDEPENDENT
Modern Senior
TECHNOLOGY•SCIENCE•KNOWLEDGE•COMPUTERS•MOBILE
Do You Speak Millennial?
BY SUSAN GOLDFEIN
(SENIOR WIRE) So you think you’re woke
because you got with the latest meme? Or
maybe you understood even one line of the
lyrics from “Hamilton?” Would you bet you
know what Bible means? Or salty?
Well, save your money! Because if you
think salt is a condiment or a crusty old sailor,
and Bible refers to the book the Gideon Society
used to leave in cheap motel rooms, then you
are definitely not lit!
But don’t despair. Help is here. It’s time to
take the English as a Second Language quiz.
Give it a try. Your results will predict whether
conversation with your grandchildren is still
possible.
1. Glo’d Up
a. A command given to your dog named Glo’d
when you want him to jump on your lap.
b. Past tense of gla’d up.
c. Opposite of glo’d down.
d. a or c, but never b.
2. Snap Trap
a. A lure to catch a turtle.
b. Pans Part spelled backwards.
c. A photo taken for purposes of blackmail.
d. None of the above.
3. Throwing Shade
a. Tossing your sunglasses out of a car window.
BY DICK WOLFSIE
(SENIOR WIRE) There are probably dozens of
bells and whistles on my smart phone that
I haven’t discovered yet. A friend told me
the other day that you can have your phone
announce who is calling you. Here’s another
cool trick he taught me: if you are unhappy
with what you’ve typed in a text, instead of
erasing all of it, just shake the phone and it
all disappears. Next thing you know, you’ll be
able to take a photograph with your phone.
How cool would that be?
Until recently I didn’t realize that instead
of using my chubby sausage fingers to text
a message, I can press this tiny microphone
symbol on my phone and then simply talk
into the device. Magically the words are
transcribed. Was I that stupid? No, I’m 71.
Needless to say, the discovery of this simple
feature has changed my life. No longer do I send
messages that say things like: “I gat your email
anf hipe to see yiu im the veri near futurg.”
“Wait, don’t you have spellcheck?” you
might ask. I don’t use spellcheck. I don’t
trust it. When I type PRINCIPAL instead of
PRINCIPLE it doesn’t get corrected, and it
makes me seem ignorant when I text a friend
saying “I stand up for my principals.” It looks
like I’m complimenting local school officials.
But spellcheck has a hissy fit if I type Febuary
instead of February. Come on, who doesn’t
make that mistake? Get off my back.
b. Playing with the basketball
formerly known as Wilson
c. Casting a tall shadow.
d. All of the above.
4. On Fleek
a. Santa’s command to his newest reindeer.
b.Streek where Sweeny Todd lived
c. Telling someone you’ve
joined a new social media site.
d. Some of the above.
5. Draking
a. Making out with a male duck
b. Getting a bad mark for lack of
proficiency with a garden tool
c. OD-ing on music by a certain pop star
d. When will this be over?
6. JOMO
a. Joe’s lawn mower
b. Like slo mo, but jumpy
c. Dyslexic version of mojo
d. A, or possibly c, or maybe b
7. Hundo P
a. The hybrid that results from
crossing Japanese and Korean cars
b. The Hundo that comes before Hundo Q
c. The sequel to the old John Wayne movie
d. Can I call a friend?
8. Keep it 100
a. Request from someone
who likes a really warm room
b. One option if you find a C-note on the ground
c. Acing an exam, but not going for the
bonus question
Now Read This!
Here is what happened the other day: I
was in my basement office texting my friend
Bob and said into the phone: “Can we meet at
Starbucks tomorrow?” As the text was being
transcribed, my wife heard me from upstairs
and thought I was talking to her.
“Dick, why are we meeting at Starbucks
tomorrow?”
I yelled upstairs, “I wasn’t talking to
you! You and I are not going to Starbucks
tomorrow.”
My message read: “Can we meet at
Starbucks tomorrow? I wasn’t talking to
you. You and I are not going to Starbucks
tomorrow.” Then I accidentally sent the text.
And I got this back from Bob: “Dick, are we
meeting at Starbucks or not? Why are you so
indecisive? By the way, if you aren’t talking
to me, why are we even meeting?”
I texted back and told Bob that I was actu-
ally talking to my wife at the time. This made
no sense because the text said that I was not
talking to her. So Bob thinks Mary Ellen and
I aren’t on speaking terms. And now you see
how rumors get started.
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d. This is pathetic!
9. Adulting
a. Being married, and only thinking about
having an affair.
b. A kid who’s wearing his parent’s clothes
c. A noun who grew up and converted to verbism.
d. Someone shoot me!
10. Suh
a. Southern for “sir.”
b. The sound of a tire deflating
c. A typo
d. I’d like to buy an “a,” Pat.
What the scores mean: 7–10—Excellent,
you are so trill; 4–6—sort of cool, but not
quite lit; 0–3—you need milk! ISI
Any interest in the intended usage of the above? Here it
is! 1. Glo’d Up: someone who has suddenly become more
attractive and mature; 2. Snap Trap: A tactic used to find
out what your significant other is up to; 3. Throwing
Shade: subtly criticizing someone; 4. On Fleek: flawless
styling or grooming; 5. Draking: having feelings of
sadness or melancholy; 6. JOMO: Joy of missing out; 7.
Hundo P: 100 percent; 8. Keep it 100: acting in a way
that’s true to yourself; 9. Adulting: doing something
associated with being a bona fide grown-up; 10. Suh:
what’s up\huh?
Other slang used above: Woke: aware; Meme: an idea
that’s trending; Bible: something that is the truth; Salty:
bad mood; Trill: to be true, or real; Lit: extremely cool;
Milk: help or improvement.
I am continually getting better at this form
of texting. This morning, Mary Ellen heard
me saying this: Hello COMMA Bob COMMA
hey it’s me EXCLAMATION POINT If you
have the time COMMA I’d like to get together
Monday DOT DOT DOT Will that work for you
QUESTION MARK
“That is so strange,” said Mary Ellen,
who was listening from the top of the stairs.
“I know you are a grammar nut, but I just
heard you talking and punctuating your own
speech.”
I hollered back to her, “I do not want to talk
about this ever again. PERIOD.” ISI
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