Compassionate Guidance From a Death Doula
By Dr Sarah Kerr, PhD, Death Doula, The Centre for Sacred Deathcare
Hello friends.
Welcome to Dear Sarah, an advice column where I answer your questions about meeting mortality.
As a Death Doula, I’ve helped hundreds of people to face their own death, support a dying loved one, or heal through grief and loss. I know how hard these experiences can be, and how hard they can be to talk about. This column is a place to hold meaningful conversations about death, and to inspire people to see it as an important and natural part of life.
I look forward to hearing from you, and to helping you meet death and loss with grace and confidence.
With much love, Sarah
Q: Dear Sarah,
My mother is in hospice, and we’ve been discussing her end-of-life wishes. I’m upset because she’s told me that she doesn’t want a funeral. I want to honor her wishes, but I simply can’t imagine not having some sort of ceremony where our family can say good-bye. Is it selfish of me to ask Mom to change her mind? If not, how can I help her understand that a funeral is important?
–Signed, Ceremony Seeker
A: Dear Ceremony Seeker,
Your intuition about the importance of funerals is accurate. Funerals matter and they serve an emotional, spiritual and relational purpose. Not having a funeral can definitely make it harder for people to heal after a loved one dies.
If your mom doesn’t want a funeral, it can be very helpful to discuss the matter directly with her. The first step is to learn more about her reasons.
It may be that your mom has attended funerals that didn’t feel good to her and she doesn’t want to replicate that. A good funeral feels meaningful and healing but, depending on how they are organized and officiated, a bad funeral can feel hollow or even damaging.
The alternative to a bad funeral isn’t no funeral. The alternative to a bad funeral is a good funeral.
Try asking your mom to talk about funerals she has attended. Ask her which aspects she liked best, and which didn’t resonate for her. See if she has had the experience of attending a funeral that helped her feel better after a death.
Consider consulting with a funeral celebrant to explore ways to make the ceremony more fitting to you mom and how she’d like to be remembered. Involve her in the planning, so you can create a ceremony that’s a good fit for who she is and what she values.
There can be other reasons for not wanting a funeral. Sometimes people are concerned that nobody will attend, or that there won’t be anything to say in the eulogy. Others struggle with being the center of attention and receiving all that love and care. Some people think that they are saving their family from an emotional or financial burden by not having a funeral.
The reasons for not wanting a funeral vary, and once you know more about your mom’s reasons, you can explore them with her. Perhaps through gentle discussion you can help her feel warmer about having a funeral.
With much love, Sarah ISI
Dr Sarah Kerr, PhD teaches Death Doulas and others to meet mortality in a soul-based way. Learn more, and download free guides at www.sacreddeathcare.com. Do you have a question about death or loss? Please visit www.dearsarah.com and let me know what you’re struggling with. I personally read each submission, and if I choose yours, I’ll answer as fully and thoughtfully as I can. Thank you in advance for sharing your important story.
